Coffee networking with the Dutch and … who actually pays the bill?

I’ve been officially living and working (or, better, running a business) in the Netherlands for 2.5 years. A lot has happened in that time: I registered myself in the beautiful city of Amsterdam, I relocated my consulting business from Germany to Amsterdam, and I got a Dutch boyfriend, who has lately become my husband.

Along the way, I came to learn and gain many personal insights. For example, the Dutch can be highly straightforward (some might call it rude). Dutch tolerance originated in the 16th / 17th century and is related to trade and how this tradition has shaped the priorities of Dutch citizens. I also learned that networking is a significant way of getting contracts (read: jobs, connections, business opportunities), which later translates to money. And that one can network at his best when drinking coffee, which seems to be THE national drink here in the Netherlands (apparently, the average person drinks 8.4 kg of coffee a year!). This would be just a brief list of many other things I’ve learned. So far, I’m happy with myself and with the steps I’ve made.

Nevertheless, there is one thing that I’m still learning about: Who actually pays for this coffee?

Let me give some of my real case studies of coffee networking in the Netherlands:

• A coffee with a young alumnus. She approached me to meet up. The lady is young, just finished studies and is looking for a job. I am happy to pay.
• I invite someone to a coffee and a talk. It’s in my interest, and of course, I pay.
• I go out with a Dutchman I work regularly with. The bill comes, and my business partner disappears in the toilet. As the barman is waiting, I pay for us to let the guy continue working and expect my coffee partner to pay her part. “Thank you for inviting me,” I hear when she comes out of the toilet. I am surprised that I paid.
• A coach I briefly met on one of the networking meetings asks me for a meeting. Each of us takes a drink. After one hour, I decided to stay in the same place to continue working online but to change tables. My meeting partner leaves after a short toilet break. I assume I got invited, so she pays, or we pay our part. The surprise comes with the bill. And you might already guess – both the coffees are on it! This time, I am shocked that I am forced to pay.

Funny enough, splitting the bill outside of the Netherlands is called ‘Going Dutch’, but what is happening with the coffee meeting protocol inside the country? Many Dutch indeed keep a tight watch over their money. Money is a topic in the Netherlands. It is evident for foreigners like me who have moved to the Netherlands.

The Calvinistic tradition indicates the importance of saving money and keeping it close to oneself, calculating. God is happy when his people collect penny to penny. The Dutch often expect things to be cheap and, at the same time, of the best quality. What a dissonance, one can say.

Having experienced and observed several “interesting” situations related to money, I worked out some tricks, which I call “my biggest learnings.” They can be helpful when you are just making your first steps in the Netherlands, and don´t dare to communicate directly with your meeting partner (don´t worry—this skill will come naturally with time). Until then, practice the following (unless you want to get broke by paying for coffee for your network members).

1. When in a paying situation, don’t pull your wallet out immediately. Learn to count to ten, even if these moments are incredibly long. It’s a game, and you need to master it, especially when you come from a country where hospitality and generosity are the highest goods.
2. Make sure you take control over the end of the meeting by asking directly some of the following questions: “Shall we split the bill?” is the question I ask more often. Try it out as well. “Who pays?” is another question that works and makes your counterpart at least think about you and your position. “Would you like to pay now, and I pay the next time we meet?” works if you want to meet the person again.
3. Last but not least – don’t make any assumptions. Whatever expectations you have from the meeting with your business partner, they are probably very different from what will happen.

Yes, let’s continue networking with each other! There are plenty of good things around them as well. But… Who pays for the coffee?